Over the past few weeks... well, if I'm being honest, months... I have been completely and totally overwhelmed. I feel more inadequate than I have ever felt in my life. Being a mom in general allows one the ability to realize all of our failures, but going from a single mother of two to a mom of five, and one on the way, has left me in a state of confusion. What is my main job? Before, I got up, went to work with a laid out agenda, came home, spent time with the my two kids, made dinner, and went to bed. Now, there is no one barking orders at me or laying out my day. My husband could honestly care less if I laid around all day. He understands the stress of being pregnant, and is perfectly happy if everyone is fed. He'll come home from work, kiss me, and jump right in to serving by cleaning the kitchen, throwing a load of laundry in, and helping with dinner. For the first few months of our marriage his serving caused lots of fights. My pridefulness said "I must not be good enough if he feels he HAS to help me". What I have slowly learned is that he WANTS to help because he loves me and does not think my task as house wife and mother is small. I am completely blessed by his heart of service and pray that I grow in that area because of his leadership. Unfortunately, without him handing me a list of chores to do I am left to my own expectations, fueled by facebook pictures of other moms who seemingly keep their houses perfectly clean, spend time doing school with their children, plan out five crafts a day for themselves and children to do, try a new recipe every night, scrapbook, blog, design, eat nothing but health food, with perfectly tame hair and a face full of make-up with their perfectly content demeanors. Needless to say this is NOT me. If I get one room clean I'm doing good, and if I happen to also do a load of laundry and run some errands... even better. As for crafting... the only time is happens is when it's a necessity, like birthday party invites because it's cheaper. So all of this brings me back to my original question... what is my job? And moreso, how does it look in my life?
When I think of the question "what is my job?" of course the first things that come to mind are taking care of my husband and children. A few weeks ago when I started thinking about it, the real answer came to mind. My real "job" is glorifying God, but how? In the midst of cleaning out closets, with piles of laundry stacked across my living room, I wondered, "glorifying God can't just be THIS". Organizing, feeding, driving, etc. So then my mind went to the next "church answer" - I can glorify God by doing the tasks He has given me, with a joyful heart and gratitude for my boundary lines. Don't get me wrong... this CAN be the right answer... BUT I am the type of person who will take this truth and then try to live it out, then feel guilty because I can't live it out, then walk around in condemnation because "if God never puts more on me than I can bear, then why can't I bear this (at least not well)", which then leads to a bad attitude towards my husband and kids. I needed the HOW. How can I have joy in my season? How can I have gratitude for driving to Cartersville for four hours in one day just to get the older kids to school? How can I be thankful for a pregnancy that is worse than my last two and that makes me feel dumpy? Thankfully God's word says if we seek, then we will find. The Lord has begun revealing to me the answer.
My God is jealous for me. He wants my attention and adoration, and after all, doesn't He deserve it? He wants my focus off of everyone else and what they are doing (which honestly is a lie anyway) - As a side note... no mom has it all together. That's what pictures are for. They capture all of the good and none of the bad, and are great into deceiving others into an ideal. That's what facebook and blogs do so well. Assist in the lies of our inadequacies and everyone elses happiness. - It's not a big revelation to me that God wants us to put Him first, but I struggle most with believing - A. How big God really is, and B. That He really loves me. Between reading Matthew 6 and being convicted that it is not just talking about money, but anything else that we covet and worry about, and reading the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan, I have begun to see a change in my heart. Being reminded of just how big God is through the video "the awe factor" found at
http://www.crazylovebook.com/ and realizing that God could make the earth stop spinning, gravity cease to exist, and the trees stop producing oxygen, yet doesn't, has changed the way I view my worries. When I think of the God who controls all of that, I can't help but have faith that He is in control of all of the small things I get anxious over. Then when the gospel is brought back into view after the understanding of how big God is, then I can't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude that He CHOOSES to be in every detail of my life. With a lack of anxiety and a heart of gratitude it is much easier to have joy. So for me, the answer to "what is my job?" is simple. Spend time understanding who God really is, and most importantly that He really loves me. When I believe that God REALLY loves me it overflows into my speech and my actions. It's no longer about me doing my tasks to prove to God or man that I really love Him, but understanding that He really loves me and being joyful in doing my tasks because NO MATTER WHAT, whether I sleep all day, or get everything on my to do list done, I AM LOVED by THE CREATOR.
This song has been on repeat this morning as a gentle reminder of this truth.
David Crowder - How He loves
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we?re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don?t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way?
